Ladies and gentlemen, I have subjected myself to both installments of this transparent act of money-laundering. Please read this review thoroughly and spare yourself an upset stomach.

Ed Wood, Coleman Francis, Roger Corman, William Castle, Neil Breen, Tommy Wiseau, meet Barry Gaines, your newest buddy on the island of misfit movie makers. Don't pick on him too much now fellas, he cares just as much about his audience as you all do; not at all. Of course this "franchise" is on Amazon Prime, so too is a lot of other cheap crap, but unlike the rest of the cheap crap, this turd costs money to watch; that's some ego you got there, Barry. Here are just a few of the shining features of this indy-fest award-winning assault on the senses:

•Monsters wearing sneakers

•An evil sorcerer with a private jet (see part one, if you dare)

•Interdimensional warriors and warlocks riding around in SUVs and talking on cell phones

•Characters that vanish without explanation (again, see part one; what the hell happened to that sorceress? I bet there's a story there!)

•Dialogue that, when not spoken by someone with incomprehensible diction, sounds like a 13 year old wrote it

•Meandering plotline lazily ripped off from LOTR and Jupiter Ascending

•Pointless, uncomfortable close-ups

•Pointless skin shots (even a monster shows it's boobs)

•Costumes raided from DressLily's clearance section

•Inconsistent aesthetic (think Mortal Kombat meets Men in Black meets Big Bad Beetleborgs)

All of this could be excused of a student project , but apparently this was done for profit by a middle-aged man somewhere in Florida who thought that combining every sci-fi/fantasy cliche in film history, and plundering the local talent pool for as many willing-to-take-it-off women and dumb actors willing to kiss his ass would place him shoulder-to-shoulder with JJ Abrams and Chris Nolan. Sorry Barry. It's true that action, special effects and nudity do sell, but only when there's at least a little bit of substance and competency at the core. It doesn't have to be much, but it has to be there. Nobody buys candy for the wrapper.