Ok, first off, I enjoy movies that are so bad, they're good. This is not that

I am a huge Kaiju fan and I love Godzilla Vs. Kong. Going into this, I figured this would be a low budget knockoff attempt at that and I was fine with it. I was actually looking forward to it. I went in with low expectations and was still let down.

As per par for Asylum, the acting, writing, pacing and just everything was abysmal. The "Ape" was actually a chimp (completely different). Not to mention the cover art is a Gorilla, not a chimpanzee.Also, I love how the main character was like, "There's no doubt. That thing is a Gila Monster". What?! It looked nothing like a Gila Monster after it mutated and grew.

The visuals were just terrible. Even for low budget. There was only one shot in the entire film that I thought was cool and that was near the end when the "Gila Monster" came out of the ground at night and was standing in front of some fire. That shot looked decent. The rest? Garbage.

Worst of all, for a movie with the word "VS" in the title, their was almost no Versing going on between the two. Their fight consisted of three moves. Literally, three moves. Monster Punches Chimp/Ape, Monster bites Chimp/Ape, Chimp/Ape breaks Monsters neck. Fin.

A terrible outing, even by Asylum Standards.

Ape vs. Monster is not set in a alternate timeline; it’s in total denial. Somehow, George W. Bush and Vladimir Putin team up to launch a "deep space probe" manned (monkeyed?) by Abraham the Chimpanzee. In 1985. Ten years before W. was even governor of Texas, while Putin was a mid-level KGB agent stationed in Dresden.

Chimpanzees have a relatively long lifespan, but like any other animal, they need food to survive — not a lot of bananas in outer space. Thus, Abe was presumably dead of either old age or more likely starvation even by the time they "lost contact" with the probe on "August 12th, 2007."

Miraculously, though, when the capsule crashes back down to Earth in what I assume is the present day, not only is Abe alive, but he has turned into a large, indeterminate primate of the computatrum generatae genus; picture the lovechild of Bigfoot and Bubbles.

Yada yada yada Abe and a similarly enhanced Gila monster have a battle as epic as two amorphous CGI blobs can be said to have, and the triumphant Abe (say what you will of Ape vs. Monster, but at least it has the decency of declaring a clear winner, unlike Godzilla vs. Kong) is relocated to a "sanctuary" in Santa Fe — because what better natural habitat for a chimpanzee than the f---ing desert?