OK, I gave the first one 10 out of 10 stars...because I am easy and, honestly, the original didn't claim to be anything more than what it delivered. To me that earns all 10 stars.

Darker I gave 1 out of 10, because the plot line that it bills itself as following takes all of 5 minutes, gets resolved in the middle of the film, never comes up again, and has little sex (which is the reason why people see these things).

This one I am giving 1 of 10 stars.

There is actually less sex than in the sequel and far less than in the original...but look at the picture up here on IMDB, look at all the posters...it was marketed as a film about sex and there really wasn't that much. You see more in a single episode of an HBO series.

And the plot, again quoting IMDB:

"Anastasia and Christian get married, but Jack Hyde continues to threaten their relationship"

Like with Darker, that all happens in the blink of an eye. You sneeze and you'll miss the bulk of the plot. And the sex (the reason why people actually watch this film) doesn't even serve as filler.

So what you are left with is Anastasia and Christian sitting around, not having sex, trying to figure out how to fill the rest of the film. It's like watching linoleum curl on a hot day.

We aren't watching it for the plot anyway, just give us the cream filling we are actually buying the ticket for, otherwise give us an actual plot.

you gave us neither.

This is the first movie I've ever brought a notepad with me to the theater and actively wrote stuff down. That was interesting; I will say, it made the movie go by much faster because I was more involved. I think instead of writing a proper review, I'm just going to hilariously re-write what I crudely wrote on my pad of paper.

"I got more joy out of the Mary (and the witch's flower) preview before the movie. How many seconds have I wasted watching that M&M's fake movie trailer? The wedding in this is much shorter than the one in Twilight, thank God. This is great cinematography. Why is Anna surprised by Christian owning a jet? She flew in a drone and helicopter in the first movie. There's generic action stealth music in this hijacking scene. 'It's Boobs in Boobs-land' is an actual line in this movie. 'Don't pull, they'll bite' is an actual line in this movie. This is The Room levels of bad, getting into the sex scenes quick. Generic plot with generic Danny Elfman music. Christian Grey drove all the way down to Anna's work just because of her fucking e-mail. Why no text messaging? Sitting on a couch for a conversation, such great direction. There's no plot, there's little fantasy sequences with pop music. 'Oh look, a fancy car! Oh look, a fancy house!' Horrible Anna race driving scene, pointless SUV-following sequence, Christian Grey no-have security? Wouldn't the SUV-guy find them later? Grey is a billionaire, his presence is everywhere. Going to New York to escape anonymous driver? Why? Comes back, go to fancy house for little vacation, more pointless sex and bathing scene. Anna restrains the intruder with her play handcuffs, how funny. Christian's trip to New York added nothing to the plot. Sex scenes are not earned or built up, they just happen. Another random vacation montage with soundtrack music. I feel the characters are one-dimensional on purpose so you can insert yourself in them. Embarrassing scene Anna dropping ice cream on Grey's chest with more soundtrack music, totally ignores drama from last scene. The whole movie has fake pseudo-drama, but uses it as a vehicle to sell women's fantasy sequences as a product. Who fucking cares about Anna's friend trying out dresses or getting engaged? 'Uh-oh! Anna rolled her eyes, better punish her in another sex scene with more soundtrack.' Play sad soundtrack song over news of Anna pregnant, it's forced drama. I started ironically getting into it by the end, like, 'Yay, Christian wants to have the baby now!"

There's this really silly flashback montage at the very end of the movie, using clips from the last two movies, as if we went on a journey with them or some shit. I'll admit, I'm going to miss hating on this franchise, it was a fun short-lived ride, unless they dig it back up for a spin-off.

_R.I.P. The Fifty Shades Of Grey series_