This is the most amazing movie I have ever seen. This is art. This movie will become minimum 10% of my personality from today until the day I die. I walked out of the movie theater a changed man. Some of my favorite moments from the movie:

[spoiler] Dakota Johnson starts off the movie by stealing a taxi. Nobody questions this. She spends the entire movie driving this stolen taxi. She removes the license plates from the taxi to apparently make it more inconspicuous (???). She crashes the taxi into a diner, completely ruining it. She still drives the taxi. No character questions this at all. This has become her car. She then randomly decides to go to PERU (????). She **drives the taxi to the airport**. Then she **drives back home in the taxi**. This implies that she **parks the stolen taxi, which is beat up, busted, and has no license plates, at the airport for at least a week with nobody asking questions**.[/spoiler]

[spoiler]Dakota Johnson's sole superpower in this movie is vehicular manslaughter. I am not kidding. The main way she deals with the bad guy is by crashing a big vehicle into him unexpectedly. Not once, but _twice_ in the movie. Also, this bad guy can see the future. And it **still** happens. Incredible.[/spoiler]

This movie is sponsored by Pepsi. [spoiler]Dakota Johnson spends five minutes of the movie trying (and failing) to open the most blue, unblemished can of Pepsi I have ever seen in my life. Five minutes she is just holding this thing, rubbing it, stroking it like a genie, pulling the tab, tapping it. She never opens it.[/spoiler]

[spoiler]Also, the villain is defeated when the gigantic neon letter P from the logo on the exploding Pepsi-Co factory falls on him and squishes him to death.[/spoiler]

There is not a single line in this movie spoken by the villain that was not ADRed. It's fantastic. He sounds exactly like Tommy Wiseau.

[spoiler]During a dramatic flashback in the movie, we watch Dakota Johnson's mother find out that her child was going to have a disability. But in case any of the viewers are too dull to interpret the literal dialogue that she is saying correctly, Dakota Johnson is providing CONSTANT dialogue in addition to this explaining to the dull viewers exactly what's going on. "But I don't have muscular distrophy..." "So THAT'S why you went to find the spiders." And my personal favorite, "You did it..." The way Dakota Johnson says "You did it" is seared into my brain and will be forever how I say those words from now on. They are just too fucking funny.[/spoiler]

[spoiler]Dakota Johnson uses the taxi from earlier to kidnap a bunch of teenagers and decides to leave them in the forest for hours. The teenagers literally say "Maybe you shouldn't be leaving us in a forest like this?" and Dakota is just like "No stay right there, byeeee" and then goes back to NYC in the stolen taxi and cries with her cat about her mom and spiders. Then she gets mad when the teenagers go to a diner to get food because she also left them in the forest without anything to eat and without any way to contact her. In fact the moment a teenager mentioned a cell phone, she immediately threw the cell phone out the window without asking any questions.[/spoiler]

[spoiler]This movie is OBSESSED with letting you know that it takes place in the 2000s. Britney Spears' 'Toxic' plays on the radio and the DJ is like "This song is going to be a HUGE hit!" Dakota parks her stolen taxi in front of a Dangerously In Love billboard. Dakota spends 120 seconds anxiously listening to a voicemail message on her ancient home phone to progress the plot.[/spoiler]

[spoiler]Dakota Johnson falls into the river and gets hit in the eye with a firecracker (exploding Pepsi factory) and is blinded after she defeats the villain. The girls she's taking care of have to pull her out of the river and perform CPR on her. This exact sequence of events (minus the blinding) happens earlier in the movie.[/spoiler]

[spoiler]Dakota Johnson then goes to the hospital. Nurse asks "Oh, is everyone here family?" Dakota Johnson says (with the sappiest smile ever, and with a ridiculous bandage covering her eyes) "Yes, they're mine" and "I have everything I need right here" (blegh)[/spoiler]

Then the last five minutes of this movie are the most hilarious five minutes I've ever seen in cinema ever. Everyone in the theater was cackling. I was almost crying from laughter.

[spoiler]Dakota Johnson has the fugliest and most ridiculous pair of sunglasses I have ever seen in my life. There is also this ugly fucking SPIDERWEB WINDOW that apparently got added to her apartment that it is never explained how it got there. Also, SHE IS IN A WHEELCHAIR!!!! Girl is just blind!!!!!! WHY IS SHE IN A WHEELCHAIR????[/spoiler]

[spoiler]Well the girls she's watching get back home. Then she does the slowest, funniest, most dramatic and comedic turn around in the wheelchair to face them I have ever seen. And the sunglasses just make it so much worse. By her smile alone you can tell she is finished with this movie and wants her paycheck so she can get the fuck out. Hilarious.[/spoiler]

Absolutely the most incredible thing I have ever seen.

Ladies & gentlemen, they & them,

Early 2000’s superhero movies are back, baby!

Madame Web is a top-tier dumpster fire.

- It has some of the worst dialogue I have heard in a while. How are these writers, who brought us such gems as Dracula Untold, The Last Witch Hunter, Gods of Egypt, and the trillion-dollar hit Morbius, still working?

- “Every day that goes by, my appointment with death gets closer.” is an actual line from the movie. There is plenty more to go around.

- The editing and visual effects are atrocious.

- The acting from everyone is awful. The line delivery is shockingly low energy, and I did not believe a word any of the actors were saying.

- I have seen these actors do great work in the past, so this is 100% the director's fault here. It's crazy how a director can get piss-poor performances from good actors.

- The characters had no chemistry with each other. The scenes together felt so awkward and unnatural.

- There are so many character choices that don't make sense.

- The villain fucking sucks. There is no real character to him. He's just a boring evil guy who wants to kill three “teenagers” because he dreamed of them killing him in the future. He is not threatening at all.

- I noticed the actor who played the villain was dubbed over with ADR for most of his scenes. You can tell.

- None of the humour landed. Painfully unfunny.

- The 2003 pop culture references were a pathetic excuse for creating a time capsule setting.

- Adam Scott and Emma Roberts have nothing to do here. You wonder why they are even there.

- For a superhero movie, there are barely any exciting action scenes. Whenever there is some action, it's nothing special. I would not mind the lack of action if the story, characters, and acting were superb, but it has none of that.

- The fact that the final battle scene takes place underneath a Cola/Pepsi sign is another example of the terrible product placement from Sony.

- The final shot is the most embarrassing thing I have ever seen.

My jaw is on the floor of how a movie like this can be shit out by a big studio. Sony REALLY needs to cut it out with these unnecessary Spider-Man spin-off films.

Madame Web is the worst superhero movie ever made. Yes, I mean it. At least the other bad superhero movies had some redeeming qualities to it. But this movie has nothing. Everything about this movie is wrong. Fant4stic is better than this. It makes Morbius look competently made.

The current state of superhero movies is in trouble, and Madame Web is not helping.

We start off with an heavily pregnant woman deep in the Peruvian jungle looking for a very rare spider with her pal "Ezekiel" (Tahar Rahim). Guess what? Yep - she finds it, and almost immediately too! Anyway, it turns out that her pal isn't so friendly after all and pretty sharpish she is shot and face up in a pool of healing waters where her baby is being delivered by a jungle people with spidey-skills. Advance twenty-odd years and we meet paramedic "Cassie" (Dakota Johnson) who drives around with her partner "Ben" (Adam Scott), indifferently saving folks from disaster. It's one such disaster, though, that sees her tumbled deep into the river and having to be rescued by her buddy. This trauma appears to trigger something weird. She is getting flash-fronts. She can see the tiniest snippets of the future - and that doesn't usually bode well for anyone, including her! A trip on a train to a funeral proves decisive as three of the other passengers also feature in her dreams - all being the targets of a mysterious lycra-clad tunnel-climber bent on slaughter. Can she rescue them and find out just what's going on? Well possibly, but the story is just thin and the characters so undercooked that I didn't really care. The whole arachnid story line is under-developed to the point that I couldn't see what her skills really had to do with a spider at all. Tahar Rahim seemed uncertain if he was supposed to be "Deadpool" and/or Antonio Banderas and hats have to come off to Celeste O'Connor for playing the entirely obnoxious and attitudinal "Mattie" with quite such aplomb. The denouement is straight out of "Highlander" (1986) and I'm afraid that rather summed this up. Not an original bone in it's small and squidgy body, over-scripted and made for the sake of it. Sure, it's all about team bonding, trust and finding yourself (quite literally), but the readiness with which all concerned buy into this increasingly repetitive and whacky scenario is just daft. Like the whole multi-verse concept, the studios have decided to take super-hero films and flog them to death without worrying about concept, character or a decent story, and though Johnson does try to lift this where she can, it's ends up being something akin to one of those "Superman" television episodes we used to watch with Dean Cain - only with monotonous time-shifting!

Ouch, that average rating! I'm not going to lie though, I genuinely had a fun time watching 'Madame Web'... perhaps I should be keeping that fact quiet?

I don't know what to say, I found it to be suitably entertaining. I'm sure there are plot holes aplenty (I noticed a few) and it probably makes zero sense/isn't a good adaptation compared to its source material or whatever but honesty... I don't care, it gave me enough enjoyment that I wasn't questioning anything about what I was watching.

The cast are probably the key factors as to why I did enjoy this. I previously knew of Dakota Johnson but hadn't actually seen her in anything properly, I found her performance to be more than noteworthy and she spearheads the film strongly. The trio of Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced and Celeste O'Connor are positives too.

Tahar Rahim's antagonist, meanwhile, is poorly written and portrayed, though I personally thought the actor did a good job. I have no complaints with anyone who appears onscreen to be honest. Away from them, the pacing and score are also standouts.

In my recollection of viewing this, I truthfully haven't got any issues with it. If it wasn't for the slight bad murmurs that I did hear about pre-watch (though not much of it as I avoid as much as I can with movies) and the reaction on sites like this post-watch, I'd not be questioning my thoughts about this whatsoever.

As I always say, to each their own. For me, gimme a sequel (as long as the cast remain, mind). Not even sorry.

Wooooow. Worse than the Marvels. Why did they dance on the table for like 20 guys? Who chose those glasses? But I sure do want a crisp, refreshing Pepsi Cola. Deadly good taste.