Dear Joel,

1. I watched this movie in its entirety over a couple of days. You're welcome because dude, it was a struggle.
2. Interesting idea keeping the dialogue to a minimum. Given the quality of the movie, it made it a perfect movie to watch while doing literally anything else. I personally wrapped Christmas presents and made dinner. I could step away for 10-15 minutes, come back and not have missed a single thing. You would just keep doing the same loud and implausible stuff.
3. See item 1. I like you, I really do. I watched this movie because of you. But let me say this now in the interest of our relationship staying strong - you are not Nicholas Cage. Do not expect me to watch any piece of dreck that you happen to select to keep yourself busy. You're a solid actor and I like watching you work but again, whatever spell Nic Cage has put on me that I will watch literally anything he is in no matter how awful is not having the same effect for you. So with regard to this movie, just stop it. You're way better than this boring and predictable mess.

Whatever bet you lost to have had to star in this movie has been fully paid. You even have some left in the bank.