"The Northman" is very impressive, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's especially good. It's visceral. It may be very very historically accurate, by today's lights. The battle choreography is estimable, shot in long takes with little editing. A number of excellent actors do a lot of really fine work in the parts that have words. The vistas are dark, suggestive, beautifully filmed. It has all that in its favor.

"The Northman" is also Very Serious. It is Very Very Serious. It's SO VERY Serious. There is not a moment of levity or self-awareness anywhere, ever. By the time someone in our audience finally giggled, because you have to sooner or later, it's all so completely preposterous, we all fell deathly silent. Was this the moment when the mood would be finally, ruinously broken? And it wasn't, though it was close - there really is too much about this that works to let it all fall apart completely.

In that moment, though, I realized that I had been willing myself to stay locked in for a while, trying to ignore the fact that this movie had derailed long since, about when it went from being a low-tech muddy "Dune" kind of thing and went over into "Hannibal" territory. In other words, I had been doing the hard disruptive work of pretending that this was Serious, Quality Stuff. But no, people, no. That's _the movie's_ job, not mine. The movie should be giving me a terrific and unexpected ride, not asking me to push it uphill. If I have to sit there and hope that it doesn't shatter completely into pieces, it's already a loss. I'm not here to eat my spinach because it's good for me. I want to watch someone's brilliant work, not sustain it.

When we eventually reached the final showdown, in which two naked men scream incoherently and batter one another with swords and shields on the shadowy fiery skirts of an active flowing volcano, I was long past caring. My personal movie had ended an easy 20 minutes earlier. I'm not kidding about screaming incoherently either - there is no dialogue. It just goes, "AAAAAHHHH!" *smash* "RRYYAAARGH!" *smash* "WRRRHYYOOOOGHHHH!" *smash*, for like ten minutes. Or maybe it's five. Or three. Whatever. I thought it would never end.

There really is a lot of good stuff that works in "The Northman," and maybe one day when I'm home with a good beverage and a comfy chair I'll watch some of it again to look at Robert Eggers' layouts and some of the marvelous and unexpected performances. Maybe. Until then, what the movie mostly did was remind me, over and over and over again, just how amazing "The Green Knight" really was.

It took me a little while to get into it, but by its conclusion 'The Northman' had fully entertained me. Great film!

First and foremost, I'm delighted that I did indeed enjoy this film as my only previous experience of director Robert Eggers was the - in my opinion, and apparently my opinion only! - severely unsatisfying 'The Lighthouse'. It's unmistakable that this 2022 flick is made by the same person, but happily the outcome is far greater.

The cast are top notch. Alexander Skarsgård and Anya Taylor-Joy are the two standouts, the latter of which is doing big things lately; she is excellent in the most recent season of television show 'Peaky Blinders', fwiw. Claes Bang, Ethan Hawke and Nicole Kidman are all very good. Willem Dafoe too, naturally.

The story is super absorbing, even early on when I was a tad unsure I was still very invested in what was happening onscreen. The dialogue is a big reason for that, as is the thumping score. At times it can feel like it might become too talky and full of itself in regards to its own mythology and all that, though thankfully it never strays into those realms. It also delivers plenty of action, alongside some good ol' violence as well - the ending is quality in that regard, among other reasons too.

Go watch!

This is really well directed, there’s some great filmmaking in it, and the action in particular is very well shot and framed.
Also, the acting and score are pretty solid for the most part.
But, ultimately it’s all in service of a film with uninteresting and flat characters, and a story that’s nothing more than a bunch of clichés strung together when you start to break it down.
It’s very light on interesting themes, subtext, emotion, creativity, twists, or other stuff I tend to value in movies.
It’s like watching _Hamlet_ or _The Lion King_ boiled down to their most basic plot elements, and without any of the Hakuna Matata.
Sure, there’s one big twist that’s revealed as the film goes along, but at that point you’re well into the second act, and taking out that twist wouldn’t change the story all that much.
It tries to cover up for its lack of substance with the occasional arthouse touches here and there, but most of it falls flat on its face, as it clashes with the grim and gritty tone of the film, and gets overly indulgent and pretentious.
For example, there’s a scene where a character has to retrieve a sword, a really simple beat the film needs to hit.
However, the way Robert Eggers presents it is fucking eye-rolling, as it’s such a misguided attempt at trying to be clever and interesting.
You’re making a straightforward revenge film here, it’s a story with no more complexity than your average Marvel movie, so having the feeling of being looked down upon by the filmmaker is just about the last thing I should feel when watching it.
Overall, I found it to be annoying and too slow given what little it has to offer.
Yet, you have to give it at least some credit for how well made it is.

4.5/10

Also, I know that there are a lot of people going into this expecting it to scratch the same itch as _Game of Thrones_ or _Vikings_.
You’re going to come out disappointed if you expect that, this is more akin to something like _The Revenant_.

**So so so so bad. Spare yourself.**

“I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!” I keep reading all these reviews that claim this movie is gruesomely violent, action-packed, and well-paced. Did we see the same movie? This movie was the furthest from those three things! The Northam is dreadfully slow, with hardly anything happening, and when the few action scenes did happen, they were very poorly done! The only cool part was him catching and throwing back the spear, and I saw that in the trailer. I will say that the visuals and atmosphere of the movie were super well done, but that was it. Do not waste your time!

Visually arresting with great sound design and respectable production design has its moments (many downright bizarre), the film also features good performances from Alexander Skarsgard and Anya Taylor-Joy, however I wasn't fully immersed with the story but that has more to do with having little interest in Viking-centric stories. That said, it's worth one watch at least. **3.0/5**