Transformers: Dark of the Moon. 154 minutes long, so Wiki tells me (although whilst watching it it felt as though it flew by in a mere, ooh, fourteen hours or so?). 154 minutes. And I was lost, bored and checking my watch before the fourth minute. So I shall attempt to review a movie I have only just seen but about which I know almost nothing, and about which I care considerably less than that. The following will be far less a coherent review than a disjointed mess. Well, fine. Seems perfectly apt.

So, years ago, the old Autobot leader Sentinel Prime crashed into the moon along with some teleporter doowacky - made up of hundreds of "pillars" - that only he can control. The Decepticons swiped almost all the pillars but left Sentinel there. On a routine military... um... I'm not sure; Jolly Boy's Outing? Optimus Prime gets into a fracas with Decepticon Shockwave and finds a couple of these pillars. He then throws a strop 'cos the humans knew about this bit of Cybertron kit but never told him, but now they're more than happy to, I suppose. Um. So Optimus rocks up to the moon and finds Sentinel Prime and revives him. Turns out this is what the Decepticons wanted; only Optimus could revive him and only Sentinel can work the teleporter doowacky (the "Bridge"). So now they're after Sentinel. But OH NOES, Sentinel has decided that the Autobots are fighting a lost cause, so he's throwing in with the Decepticons anyway. Cue lots of deeply confusing and tedious "Tranny-Slapping" as I have just dubbed the Transformer skirmishes as Megatron, Sentinel and the baddies try to use the Bridge to... um, pull their faraway home of Cybertron to Earth? Or turn Earth into Cybertron? Or something.

Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky* (Shia LaBeouf, even more punchable than usual, which by his standards is quite something) is not just a useless nerd this time around, he's also a whingeing **** who wants a) international acclaim and credit (other than the medal awarded him by the president of course!) for his part in saving the world twice even though nobody knows that that's what he's done, and b) a 40-hour job. Anything really; Trolley-dolly at Asda/Walmart will be fine. Despite all this he seems to have effortlessly brushed off Megan Fox and continued to punch way, way above his weight with his new squeeze, Rosie DoubleBarrelled-Surname: English, impossibly attractive, permanently dressed for all occasions - work, play, sleep, dragging her ****hole across the carpet like a worm-ridden doggie - like a $200-an-hour prostitute, and, incredibly, at least 40% stupider even than Ms. Fox, who as we know is marginally less alert and responsive than a squeezed tube of Anusol. How does Sam fit in to the so-called "plot"? Who knows. Double-Barrelled's smarmy, supercar-distributing walking hard-on of a boss turns out to be a Decepticon bitch (Deceptibitch?), and... oh, Christ knows. Alls I DO know is that this time around, Frances McDormand and John Malkovich have joined John Turturro in shilling for dollars like a ****-flashing strumpet. "Me so shaaaameless." "Me overact LONG time!" "Me so shaaaameless." Sucky-f*cky, five million dollar?

From the very first second to the very last, the whole thing is needlessly convoluted, comically unfeasible - even within its own logic, such as that is - and most crucially, lifeforce-sappingly dull. Just like the other two movies, and of course just like the Transformers themselves. At one point, maybe two-thirds in (or maybe seven weeks in, who knows?), the angsty, poignant strains of a generic rock ballad signalled the arrival of a "sad" scene. On-screen, people crouched and clasped their heads in anguish, weeping and hugging in amongst considerable swathes of burning scenery and unspecifiable wreckage. I'm not sure why this bit was to be considered sad or poignant; perhaps the entire cast simultaneously realised they were in a Transformers movie.

Awful, awful. As bad as anything Bay has ever shat out during his spiteful, cynical, moviegoer-hating and barely-disguised subterfuge as a "film director".

_Dark of the Moon_... What a dumb subtitle. I mean, I know what they're going for, and they most likely went with this because Pink Floyd probably has the rights to _Dark Side of the Moon_, but it just sounds so dumb.

There is so much I can complain about with this movie, but it's biggest problem is the fact that there's too much going on; it's so bloated. Looking back, I don't know how I managed to stay in my seat when I first saw it in theaters (and the second time I saw it in theaters) because of the sheer amount of content here that doesn't serve the story at all. Other flaws like the weak characters, the terribly executed "plot twist", and the blatant disregard for the canon of the two preceding movies... I could look past all of those flaws if the screenplay had been trimmed down and the pacing had been tighter. It still wouldn't be good, per se, but it would make for a snappier and faster paced viewing experience.

However, the idea that an alien ship crash-landing on the moon being the real reason for the Apollo 11 mission is a cool concept. Maybe not for a Transformers movie, but it's a cool concept regardless. Umm... I liked Alan Tudyk's character a lot? I feel like I'm sifting through a dumpster to find something (anything) of value. But even as I say that, it's almost tolerable if you just turn off your brain and want to watch some mindless sci-fi action.

At least the score is still such a banger.

Having exhausted the more terrestrial locations for the secret, all-powerful, gadget over which the "Autobots" and "Decepticons" will squabble relentlessly, this time we move to a lunar environment where there is supposed to be a long-buried "Cybertron" ship that could just tip the balance of power should it fall into the wrong hands. To be fair to this iteration, the tiniest bit of effort has been spent on a plot this time. We create a good, old-fashioned, cold war style scenario with the Russians and the Americans, and there is also a little bit of Apollo 11 conspiracy to liven it up as just about everyone battles it out for the technology buried amidst the barren landscape. We've also got a new baddie-in-chief in the form of "Shockwave" and he continues to make sure that "Sam" (Shia LaBeouf) still cannot shake off his legacy with the robots still bent on mutual destruction. The usual stalwarts make up the numbers. The John Turturro "Simmons" character is starting to wain a bit now, Josh Duhamel is starting to lose some of his glitter and though mercifully we are now shot of Megan Fox, we find she is substituted by an even less charismatic Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley as 'Carly". Plenty of action and pyrotechnics, same old, same old... I expect there will be another one along soon.

6.5/10 - Lots of action and CGI but little story.

The intro started off well. Those sounds don't get boring :D The scenes at Cybertron are very cool, especially due to the flying ships. I still remember how cool that was when watching it at the cinema in 3D <3 For some reason especially that last scene when "The Ark" got shot down but that cool missile(s).

It's also interesting how Optimus described their race as "mechanical beings". That seems quite oversimplified (something like cybernetic beings would seem more appropriate - mechanical stuff doesn't get far...).

The most interesting part of the story was that alternative motivation for the race to the moon. It could kinda make sense.


However, Sam's new girlfriend (Carly) is a really boring/stupid character IMO. It looks like they just wanted her to be hot (and I don't even find her hot for some reason). She kinda feels like a blonde barbie doll: Beautiful but dull (ok, maybe that reference is inappropriate - no offence intended). Anyway, she feels neither smart nor tough so I'm not interested (apart from the British accent of the actress). That story about the breakup with Mikaela feels also like real bullshit... (but I guess there's no real alternative - other than letting her die at least).

Sentinel prime was a cool character for a bit. The smart "technologies inventor". However, him turning didn't quite feel right (his behaviour feels to inconsistent).

Chinese guy was fun for a bit btw. But then they took it way too far...

It also sucks that many transformers died in a frustrating way. Ironhide getting shot in the back by Sentinel Prime and Que dying unnecessarily as a prisoner at war.

I loved "Monsters" (Paramore) during the end credits though :)

I think this may be even worse than "Transformers 2". In fact, yes it is. The only slack I am cutting this movie, the only thing that keeps me from scoring it a '1', is a relatively creative tie in between the Autobots and the Apollo moon landing. Other than that, this thing is dreck.

Seriously, the effects are the latest and no doubt greatest to be had in the wonderful world of film making. But in these Transformers movies, there's so much of it. It's all so dense and complex. Transformers transform in the blink of an eye and I still do not understand how some Transformers can change from like, a computer monitor, which is basically a screen, to a walking, talking, gear-riddled robot. It's just not physically possible. Actually, I remember one particular instance where Megatron, the leader of the Decepticons, flies in and lands perfectly centered in frame. Megatron then transforms in an almost deliberately slow manner, no doubt to service both fanboys and haters who have been incessantly griping about how hard it is to tell what the Hell is going on. Shaky-Cam is like watching a Powerpoint presentation when compared to "Michael Bay-Cam".

Every character here, as is the standard set in all "Transformers" movies, acts like a total psychopath, er, check that...moron. It's like Micahel Bay directs these people to behave like speed-riddled addicts. He's even gotten John Malkovich to act like an idiotic imbecile.

Total disclosure here...I couldn't make it through this entire movie. It runs for over two and a half hours and I was feeling much pain after just the first 30 minutes or so. Avoid this. Don't get suckered into its shiny packaging.