_Where'd You Go, Bernadette?_ Well, apparently baby girl should have gone to Russia because Americans are obsessed with this country. Russia! Russia! Soviet prisoners! Russian mafia! THE RUSSIANS!!!! I mean _seriously_, Russian mafia? Really?

Anyway, _Where'd You Go, Bernadette?_ is so bland, absolutely nothing special in it, a pristine example of a film that doesn't know what to do with itself. This is one of the most incoherently written movies I’ve ever seen. Takes too long for the plot to get going. The tone is somewhere between Disney Channel and Hallmark Channel. It even has the shitty generic piano score. The script is a total mess, but the dialogue, in particular, is terrible and cringe-worthy.

The characters are all painfully clichéd and flat, never breaking beyond the surface level to capture your attention or make you care about what they were going through. Just a boring protagonist with an extremely boring husband, and boring but just _perfect_ daughter. I hate the standard Hollywood 'smart child' with all their knowledge from non-existent live experience and dialogue that no child would ever say.

What is this movie even supposed to be about? Who is it even for? It's allegedly a comedy but is missing one important ingredient for any comedy: anything _remotely_ funny. Not thrilling. Not action packed. Not real drama. Nothing. Stopped watching at 45 minutes.