I won’t sugar coat it: this movie is the very definition of bad. Just when I thought director Kevin Smith was starting to get his groove back, an utter piece of garbage like “Yoga Hosers” comes along. There are zero reasons for this movie to even exist.

Don’t let anyone tell you this is “the female version of ‘Clerks.’” It’s far, far, far from it. This movie is a complete mess of incoherent, undeveloped gags and ideas. Nothing made me laugh, and most of the jokes that were clearly supposed to be funny weren’t met with so much as a chuckle from anyone in the audience. When the best ‘jokes’ in the film are your actors saying “aboot” in a funny Canadian accent, then your film has no substance.

The campiness simply didn’t work. While I find the idea of two empty-headed teen convenience store clerks battling a crudely animated Nazi bratwurst army with yoga poses as enjoyable as the next guy, I was so bored that I was contemplating taking a nap 20 minutes in. The movie is so poorly directed and poorly executed that I truly hope it’s not the final nail in Smith’s filmmaking coffin.

Let’s talk about the other elephant in the room: the dreadful lead performances. I appreciate Smith wanting to cast his daughter Harley Quinn Smith in the movie and I hate to dash the pie-in-the-sky acting dreams of a 16 year old girl, but she and Lily-Rose Depp were both as stiff as a board as the two Colleens. Wait, they didn’t have any acting experience before this movie? Wow, you could’ve fooled me! CGI mannequins would’ve been better choices as leads. Johnny Depp was dreadful and he looked as though he was trying to keep a watchful eye on his daughter instead of his lines. Cutsey bits with the teenage girls singing were super repetitive and exhausting.

Before you dismiss this review as being written by a cynical old fart, I’ve been a fan of Smith’s for decades (I even LOVE the oft-maligned “Mallrats” and enjoyed the over-the-top bizarre “Tusk“). But “Yoga Hosers” is as bad as movies come.

I’d rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass than to watch this disastrous piece of mediocrity ever again.