D.C. Follies

Spielberg is living proof that once a director...always a director when Fred asks him to take a snapshot for him. Hollywood's top names toast Yassir for being the hardest working man in terrorism. Contrary to popular belief, Dan believes he makes a difference after his guardian angel shows him how it would've been without him. Could Ron's venture into a political puppet show confuse him as to whom Nancy really is? As a thanks for defending the Iranian Way, the contras help out Ollie's telethon. Nancy and Ron think about what they can get from Bush in exchange for "the football." Yassir contemplates taking Kissinger hostage after Yassir loses on the $50,000 question.

Ford's plan to go back to school to play football comes to an end when his agent, Nixon, is caught with foul play. Dolly's make-up tips for Barbara Bush cause George's eyes to pop out. Nixon tells Quayle horror stories of how the presidency used to be. Cable finally becomes all that it can be with the creation of the Elvis Channel. International Relations may fall into the hands of God when Quayle appoints the wrong Jim Bakker as Secretary of State. Weird Al drops in to return Fred's accordion so that he can once again sleep at night. Bush turns to Mr. Rogers for a lesson on how to be an educational president. Like everything else, Nixon's concept of three wishes is distorted. Even soup can't ease Charles' and Di's marital problems.

Khomeni's scheme to kidnap Vice-President Quayle backfires when he finds himself begging the U.S. to take Dan back. Nixon's deep concern for the preservation of mankind causes him a headache when his warm hearted clone, Millhouse, breaks the Nixon stereotype by being generous. Joan Rivers and Mort review the latest movies on their all new puke scale. One might say that Bush and Gorbi have gone a step too far with their disarmament treaty when their trust for one another redefines the open door policy. Elvis's new job with the Post Office is a singing reminder to use zip codes. The National Rambo Association serves as an equal opportunity for the criminally insane to possess guns.

As Chief U.S. Delegate, Joan Rivers displays her sharp tongue with Gorbi and Thatcher. Arafat offers a new outlook on children's toys when he introduces G.I. Joe and Jane. The world of relaxation is in for a big surprise with the new Club Mort. The ex-presidents get stranded while on a fishing trip. Could Burns be put in jail for statutory rape for going to bed with the youngest woman he knows? In honor of his eight years in office, Fred presents Ronnie with a segment of "This is Your Life." Feeling down about the Soviet economy, Gorbi is tricked into a scorching bowl of soup from Mort.

While out on Dingy I, Bush is saved from sharks that are afraid to have Quayle as president. Arafat joins the homeless when we learn that he has no visa. Mort's talk show topic of gene splicing fails to interest callers. The return of Open Mic Night offers the premier of the Dick and Dickey act. The Pope proves that he is a man of God when he displays his ability to walk on the Boston Harbor. Ford's surprise inauguration party cures his feelings of being an outcast. Reagan sings Farewell to 'ole D.C. Cosby saves the day for Cher's first annual telethon. The crowd comes out for Spielberg's open call.

Mort takes on the role of Professor Higgins as he tries to tame Margaret Thatcher. Ted Kennedy's life as a bachelor is made easy with the "Singles to English Dictionary." Thanks to the sweeps week, a heart transplant lands a spot on Donahue. Bush gets a head start in developing a cleaner America when he starts the Toxic Waste of the Month. Nixon, Cher, and Geraldo ease Quayle's conscience about being teased as they sing him into a thicker skin. Nixon's Aunt Gertrude tries to capitalize on his fake death. In response to the debt left by Reagan, Bush develops the Emergency Taxation System. Bush and Quayle's Bartles and James imitation takes us back to basics...taxes will go up. Reagan's job on Eightysomething allows him to act his age. Cher defines the word dizzy when she tries to relive a date.

Nixon's benevolent disposition becomes evident when he decides to give profits from his book to charity. Chess has never been as appetizing as with the new Elvis edition. Mr. Downey's Neighborhood sheds new light on politics. The Supreme Court Shuffle clues us in on what would've happened if Quayle appointed the judges. "Fred is with us" when Spielberg and Lucas produce a commercial for D.C. Follies. The "Glasnost to English Dictionary" comes in handy when Gorbi comes to the bar. Fred learns that playing chess with Arafat is a no win situation. Crazy Yasser's electronic sale is one you can't refuse.

Dan Quayle heads to D.C. Follies after trying to play hooky from work. Reagan's failing memory serves as an obstacle when he tries to recount his years in office. Whoopi meets her evil counterpart at the bar. Open Mic Night is a hit with the Great Reaganini, Nancy's premier and Ford's hand shadows. In an attempt to bring glory to Mt. Rushmore, the ex-presidents imagine themselves immortalized on the mountain. Nixon impersonates Dangerfield, Dolly, and Bette Midler.

Just when Dukakis thought that his White House career would never become a reality, he lands a job as Bush's chauffeur. During Freddy Krueger's visit to D.C. Follies, he awakes from a nightmare in which Quayle almost became president. Freddy also has a heart to heart talk with Fred about Freddy's concern of being remembered as evil incarnate. Arafat's terrorist mind is faced with a dilemma about finding property to bomb that he doesn't already own. As Ronnie's plans to leave the White House get closer, he once again considers a career as an actor when he reads for the "Ronnie-mooners." Fred's "Cars to English Dictionary" saves the day for Bette Midler's car search. Reagan becomes sentimental about leaving office when he decides to run again....this time as Governor of Massachusetts.

The old "Nixon wit" helps keep him occupied when he gets locked in the basement with the missing Watergate tapes. Mother Mort's version of "Jack and Jill" sheds a new light on children's nursery rhymes. The truth is revealed about Elvis's supposed death when he appears as E.P. the new bar boy at D.C. Follies. Siskel and Ebert give a whopping "10" to Greg Louganis's and Ford's tap dancing duet. With the hope of becoming rich and famous, the dynamic trio of Carter, Nixon, and Ford become street performers with their "Ex-President Doo-Wop Blues." Pat Robertson's caption to "send money" seems to be a permanent appendage to his wardrobe.

George Burns sends Swaggert to "D.C. Follies", to repent for sinning. Waldheim appears through the secret passageway in Fred's office while on a mortal mission to prevent the distortion of Nazi films by a Berlin Film Group. Jessica Hahn's formation of the "Bimbo" union attempts to protect "the other woman." Jim and Tammy ease Swaggert's conscience as they sing him into believing that it's okay to sin. Jimmie Walker has to escape through the rear entrance after telling Fred of Jimmie's new Undecided Political Party. Kissinger reveals the truth about what the third world nations think about the U.S. and Soviet relations. Mr. George Burns has narrowed down his decision of who his new partner will be by choosing Tammy Bakker.

Jimmy the Greek explains to Fred how TV evangelists are different from other people. Sylvester Stallone is worried about losing money if Gorbachev pulls his troop from Afghanistan -- He won't be able to make movies without a war-torn country to shoot in. Kissinger needs a quote for the jacket of his new book. He calls Eddie Murphy, who agrees to have his chauffeur read it. Phyllis Diller drops in to talk about her new role as a cosmetic surgery consultant to the presidential candidates. Ford begs Nixon to read a story from his bedtime tales. He chooses "The Unbelievable Shrinking Man."

Lee Iacocca becomes Lee Ayatollah, opens a Chrysler plant in Iran and is bombed by U.S. Tankers. Back at D.C. Follies, Bette Midler graphically describes to Fred the birth of her baby. Then Fred helps Mayor Koch design a campaign slogan. Richard Belzer, thinking of opening a comedy club in Washington, stops by to "work the room" and is arrested by Sean Penn. Dan Dierdorf, Al Michaels and Frank Gifford regale us with Olympic Moments. Sam Donaldson has an "Isn't it True" seizure and attacks everyone at the bar. Mayor Koch and Whoopi Goldberg discuss the homeless while Jesse Jackson and Pat Robertson discuss giving up their Reverend titles.

Admiral Koop enlists the help of Sean Penn to campaign against smoking. They catch up with Rodney Dangerfield on an airplane and throw him into the arms of the police. Back at D.C. Follies, George Bush and Robert Dole are fighting like children. In an effort to find another arena to settle their differences, they agree to go on Sam Donaldson's new show "Political Jeopardy." George Bush also engages Don King as his manager to battle it out with Dan Rather. Pat Robertson makes an unusual plea for campaign contributions, and Alan Rachins plays a legal advisor for people who have been assaulted, abused, or arrested by Sean Penn.

Lee Iacocca moves his Chrysler plant to outer space to avoid union problems on Earth. Barbara Streisand directs a movie at D.C. Follies starring Whoopi Goldberg. Nixon dreams of being a movie star. He is a detective and Heather Thomas is his client. Gerald Ford begins his law practice with an ironic commercial about personal injury. Sid and Marty Krofft open a newsstand outside the bar.

It's Richard Nixon's birthday and the gang at D.C. Follies give him a roast. Bob Hope, Rodney Dangerfield and all the regulars join in the festivities which include an opera based on Nixon's life. The cab driver, Paul Rodriguez, crashes the party and gets a chance to roast Nixon in lieu of payment.

Santa Claus is confirmed to be real and he makes an appearance at D.C. Follies to hear everyone's Christmas wishes. Reagan attends a meeting of the defense department to learn about a new "A" bomb the size of an audio cassette, and then mistakenly gives Fred the cassette as a Christmas present. Gerald Ford then tries to disarm the bomb. The three ex-presidents play three ex-wise men and the D.C. Follies gang does a little caroling to the tune of "Christmas Day."

John Madden gives a play-by-play of the events leading up to the summit. Sam Donaldson practices his menacing approach to journalism on the patrons at D.C. Follies. Nixon is angry about being left out of the summit talks, but quickly recovers and comes to the aid of Princess Di as her divorce lawyer which culminates in a festive royal divorce ceremony. Mort Sahl visits the bar and drives a few customers away with his political satire. Reagan and Gorbachev encounter some ups and downs at a secret location for their summit.

Fred inherits a large sum of money which he invests on the advice of Richard Nixon. Needless to say, he loses all his money and is in danger of losing the bar. Nixon tries various ways to raise money for Fred, one of which is writing a children's fairy tale book. The regular D.C. Follies patrons band together to help save the bar by recording a song a la " We Are The World." Amidst all the charity events, Robert Klein makes an appearance on "Nightline" as spokesman for Jim and Tammy Bakker.

John Madden gives Fred a mechanical bull for the bar. Gerald Ford tries to ride it but gets thrown off head first into the wall, where he remains for the rest of the show. Dolly Parton, Barbara Streisand, and Cher testify at the space hearings. Jesse Jackson performs an uplifting song with Dolly, Barbara, and Cher singing backup. Fred's old flame Vanity shows up and turns the distinguished men of D.C. Follies into Jello. Jimmy Carter resolves a problem with his wife by taking her on a romantic date.

Prince Charles comes to DC Follies, where he tries to win back his wife, Princess Diana. Ollie North has a new scam up his sleeves, while Gerald Ford has a new hair-growing remedy and Bob Uecker wants to run for President.

Unhappy with low ratings, Dan Rather searches for a new image for the evening news. Mikhail Gorbachev arrives at D.C. Follies in preparation for the summit. It's discovered that Nixon's presidential library is a bookmobile. Fred becomes a celebrity for a few minutes when Robin Leach drops by looking for a guest for "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" but is pushed aside for Princess Di. Finally, Reagan creates a panic when he mistakes a radio broadcast of "War of the Worlds" for the real thing.

Don King helps The Pope with his victory tour; Woody Allen discusses love and death with Fred; the former U.S. Presidents play Trivial Pursuit.