Why do I keep commenting on this show in particular? In the vast field of "reality TV" what is it about the time I've spent in The Challenge format that keeps me digging into the complicated array of growing frustrations? Why can't I just be done with them all?

I know shows evolve and the landscape has dramatically shifted in what's trying to vie for people's attention. I know there are players I've been watching for the better portion of my life that I'm always going to feel a sense of loyalty and familiarity towards. I know I respect the athleticism and creativity of some of the challenges.

The promo for the latest season War of the Worlds brings out the hard and fast obnoxious drunk child crashing into things and calling himself a legend...It's the direction The Challenge has been trending for years, but now it's like the day your little brother gets his first spray tan in January when you live in NW Indiana. That's the identity choice, and by playing along, I'm tacitly endorsing that, and I'm face to face with the fact that like all things, this too must die. Its rebirth a confusing mess of noises and shapes I don't recognize and which manifest as shame under a clenched jaw and sullied brow.

Whenever I need to reminisce about what's been lost, I'm not going to selfishly pretend I don't have 30 or so seasons to comb through and my 30 year old fist will only shake with the kind of ironic vigor people my age like to co-opt from those who were actually teenagers in the 90s and could aspire to be on what Road Rules and The Real World used to represent. This petty and tacky game show will be added to my "watch at twice the speed" list with the same shame and unhealthy compulsion that entices me to finish things like Arrow.

I saw an interview once where the creators of the show were discussing how they never come up in the same categories or for the same awards as Survivor despite how long they've been in the game. They were confused and mildly indignant. Really? You *sure* you don't understand why? You think you've not only kept, but built upon the brand that launched a thousand spin-offs? Or did you get intimidated by the landscape and succumb to your worst impulses for the cheap attention over investment? The heart is gone.

I've been watching this show for 20 years. For different reasons, it never seems to go down quite right anymore. The handful of Survivor seasons I've caught have whatever is missing from this. Survivor feels "fair." This feels like the reigns have been not-so-slowly passing towards an Andy Cohen production. There's "evolving with the times" and then I think there's "the tyranny of low expectations." "Reality" TV in that sense has been finding lower levels for the bar to sit for some time now, and the amped up gossip and children they cast from not-in-the-spirit adjacent shows of the producers speaks to it. I miss watching the old genuine competitors. I miss thinking there was a measure of real teamwork and strategy that could be employed. I miss recognition of individual effort and skill, social or otherwise. One of the most baller politic moves in this season gets obliterated by this joke of a "mercenary" system. The random "grenades" and weaker and weaker challenges from last season still leave a bad taste in my mouth. Champs get saddled to people who don't even bother to workout for the show and spin-off ridiculous personalities make the roster and act like they run the place.

I guess I'm just sad. I think the spirit died a while ago, and now this is like a vestigial piece of my fleeting hope and youth I cling to for nostalgia pains.