A strong contender for most poorly edited movie I've ever seen. Flies in the face of reason that this ever had a theatrical run.

_Final rating:★ - Of no value. Avoid at all costs._

I'm not even going to be bother with a long review, this "big-budget" religious piece of confusing garbage doesn't deserve it. Unfortunately, it's not terrible enough to be funny, i-it gets close in a couple places, but falls into the just-trash mountain. Samson is the latest disaster by Pure Flix, after such smash hits like God's Not Dead 2. They decided to go big-budget for this one, which I guess means paying $50 for a shitty SD drone-camera that looks horrible every time it shows up, the left-over CG from Gods of Egypt, and actors plucked out of the middle of a porno. There were times I was expecting a sex scene to happen, just because the production design and script felt like something out of that. Samson's fake beard he gets half-way in is some of the worst make-up appliance I've ever seen, there's a reason there's a category for this at the Oscars. Billy Zane looks like he's doing this for the million dollar check I'm sure Pure Flix promised him, he's so fat and looks so out of place here. And they managed to drag Sokka from the live-action The Last Airbender on-set too. I walked out around the time he grabbed Billy Zane's crown from atop his head, I couldn't stop thinking about the "BALD!" scene from The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. There's this quick little part before the third act beings, Samson and his brother step out of a cave, and good lord, the green-screen they had to use for these lines of dialogue is so horrible, I started laughing out loud in the middle of this empty theater. I feel awful for the class of Church kids that will probably be forced to endure this.

The fight choreography is terrible, the script is abysmal, the characters are flat with no depth, the special effects are eye-piercing, and the stock music deserves a round of applause. You guys know the Youtuber, Sargon of Akkad? They play his theme song in the movie, which I assume now is a stock piece of music. I really hope the budget for this wasn't any higher than $20,000. Monsters was made for less than $500,000 and Hardcore Henry was made for less than 2 million. Pure Flix, please just cancel God's Not Dead 3 now, have mercy on our souls.

Samson is a Biblical drama that ironically appears to have been made by Philistines. The movie treats Samson as if he was an Israelite version of Hercules (which he may have very well been); sadly, the only Hercules director Bruce Macdonald seems to knows of is Kevin Sorbo's in The Legendary Journeys — to the point of giving him his own Iolaus (though Iolaus at least had an equivalent in Greek mythology).

The year is "1170 BC" in "ancient Israel". I think the date alone would be enough to clue us in that we’re not in 'modern' Israel; on the other hand, considering that the establishing shot of “Israel” is a computer-generated image, perhaps the clarification is not as useless as it seems.

We meet Samson (Taylor James) and his heretofore unheard of younger brother Caleb (Greg Kriek) stealing corn; caught in the act, they both flee from Philistine soldiers who, for some reason, stop chasing them once Samson and Caleb pass through the city gates — unfortunately, the film fails to have a Philistine soldier tell another: “Forget it, Jacob. It's Chinatown" (not as far-fetched as you may think; later there will be a direct reference to the Avengers’ Hulk).

“Whispers of a Hebrew with great strength” reach the ears of the Philistine prince Rallah (Jackson Rathbone); he doesn't take them too seriously, but his father, King Balek (Billy Zane), orders him to investigate further, something Rallah does with no little reluctance (to paraphrase Iznogoud, Rallah wants to be King in place of the King). Rallah, listen to your friend Billy Zane, he’s a cool dude.

Rallah recruits a Philistine giant (who calls the God of the Hebrews a “puny god”) to defeat Samson; Samson gets his ass handed to him at first, but when the Lord fills him with His spirit, Samson hulks up (that’s a reference to the other Hulk, mind you) and soon has the giant saying 'no más, no más'.

From here on out the plot sticks more or less faithfully to the biblical account, with a small but peculiar departure wherein Samson has to be tricked into visiting a brothel; the Book of Judges says begs to differ, though: "Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her."

Anyway, Samson is anointed Judge and travels to the Philistine capital to negotiate peace with Balek; his conditions are “reduce the tribute, return the harvest that is rightfully ours [or else] you will face the wrath of God.”

In the film’s best line, Zane replies, with all the considerable sarcasm he can muster, "So you threaten me with natural phenomena, freakish acts, and the weather." Ha! In your face Samson! It almost makes me forget that Balek and Rallah are just as imaginary as Caleb-Iolaus — not that Samson or Delilah are historical figures, but almost; their story is so well known that you don't have to know your Bible to realize that this Samson is as much a caricature as the Simpsons' version of David and Goliath.